“I started running when I was 15. I ran for my mental health and to control my body image. I was an insecure and immature teenager, and running was also a way to escape my busy head.
I grew up in Auckland and I got obsessed with running down our road, Horseshoe Bush Rd in Dairy Flat. I’d set goals to run X amount of K’s and I’d always come back feeling better about myself and my life. I guess I went through being obsessed over running and exercise, along with food as well.
I did my first half marathon in 2009. It was the Auckland Marathon and I was 16. I did OK at it, I think it was like 1:55. I did a couple more and then went to university. That’s when I really got into exercise… but to the point of over doing it.
Back then I only ran roads, until I accidentally did my first trail event. It was the Dunedin 3Peaks 26km. I wasn’t ready for a marathon, but was like “whatever, I can run 26k’s”. I don’t know what I was thinking, but it was raining, and I just remember scrambling up this muddy mountain and then being in the shower afterwards and thinking “what did I just do???” It was hard!
Then in my 20’s I took a bit of a break from running and got into the gym and playing squash. I was drinking quite a lot then too. I guess I was always running away from myself, you know, searching for a coping mechanism, an escape. That’s a big reason why I ran too, ego, purpose. Running was something I could do by myself and it was something I could control. Interacting with other girls was hard for me and it meant I didn’t have to face those social situations. Then in 2019 I’d gotten sober and was working in a gym, but I was sort of sick of being inside. I was working inside, I’d workout inside, and then I’d go home and be inside. I wanted to get back into running just to get back outside. So I entered the Auckland Marathon.
I’d just met Chris through a mutual friend. He was doing a Miler and I was like, “what is a Miler?” I thought the longest distance was a marathon! But we hung out and started meeting up every Friday for training, doing a bunch of trail runs together. I actually ended up doing Blue Lake in Rotorua before my Auckland Marathon. I did 60k’s. In my road shoes! And I guess from there, that’s when Chris and I became more than just training partners.
I don’t run to escape my own head now. I have other coping skills I learned through getting sober. Running was good for me, but it wasn’t the answer. I think often we start the journey with running for mental health or addiction, and it’s like a temporary reprieve, isn’t it? While we’re doing it, we’re buying that little bit of ‘Peace of Mind’, or it’s just that little bit of escape. But then we’ve still got to go, you know what, it’s not addressing anything. But it can be the start of addressing something. It’s a start, not the whole fix.
I have quite a lot of awareness around what goes on inside my head today. I’ve done a lot of work and growth and I’m not the person I was. I know how running can be used to enhance my life, but I also know how if I get obsessed over it or it becomes your whole personality, then there is a cost. Going all in on something, like running, it can have a negative effect… on your relationships, your health, your work – it affects all aspects of your life, and ultimately your training. And from my years of personal experience, I have learned ways to identify that and get through it. It’s like there’s a surrender. For myself, I have to let go of my ego, because it’s my life on my line basically.
That’s something I take into my coaching now too. Looking at the training, but for some, maybe the mental side too. Especially if people get stuck. I believe if you want to improve your running and get better, there are other aspects of your life that can be addressed to help make you more free, and therefore run faster or longer.
I had a DNF recently. It was during a Miler in a challenging race. All kinds of stuff just went out the window, including my brain. I was awake for 26hours and that’s not somewhere I’d been before. Straight after it was hard emotionally, but I also know it’s a good opportunity to learn and grow from. And that’s what I want to do. I don’t want to be a victim.
So my plan is to do another Miler, just to see if it’s a distance I actually like… because right now, that’s still an unknown.”
Charlotte @trailgirlcharlotte
@cmfrunning
(Wellington)
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Portraits of Runners + their stories
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