Chris: I knew that I had a problem. I was just stuck in this same loop, in my world of drinking and drugging. I was trapped in the addiction. Finally, In my early 20s, I started trying to sort my life out. That involved leaving everyone and everything I had behind, changing everything, and going solo.
In my addiction I started doing ‘geographicals’. Geographicals are where you move to new places to run away from your addiction. There’s a sort of thinking like, I’m going to go here because I need to get away from this place, that this place is the cause of all my troubles. But the problem with that is, I had the same head on my shoulders wherever I went.
Charlotte: Yes. Wherever I go, I come with me!
Chris: I went through periods where I thought “I’ve just got to put the drugs down but I’ll still be able to drink”. But then you switch one addiction for the other. I repeated this a few times, then finally I came to the realisation that that didn’t work and I’m not safe to do these things in any form. I sort of (and I’m grateful I did) started to have a realisation, a slight bit of self awareness, that wherever I went, I went with me. At the end of the day, it was only me looking at myself in the mirror. I just had to stop at all. And that’s where I ended up on the other side of the world!
I started that journey to recovery in Ireland. I was 25 and it was 2007. That’s where I got clean and sober, stopping everything and getting the help that I needed.
One of the things with addiction though is the ‘in between’ times (in between binges). They’re actually the hardest. And when you stop all together, it just leaves a massive void in your life because all your time and energy was dedicated to the ways and the means of finding it, getting it, doing it, and then recovering from it. You’re in either of those modes 24/7!
The first two or three years of that recovery journey, you’re just like thawing out. You’re going to therapy and group meetings, but really you’re just trying to get to grips with functioning and doing stuff for the first time in sobriety – basic stuff like food shopping or buying clothes.
Charlotte: And by doing those things, you’re getting a little bit of self esteem back, right? And then when you get that self esteem, you become more comfortable within yourself. Then you discover things about yourself and you’re like, “oh, THIS is me, this is who I am!” And with that new confidence, if people don’t react the way that you think they should, you’re actually OK with it, because you’re like “I’m me. I have a place in the world and there’s probably someone out there that likes me for who I really am”. Because when you’re stuck in addiction or alcoholism, you’re a chameleon. You’re heaps of different things… you change your hair, your boyfriend, your friends, your home, your type of drink… all to fit in. But it never works until you discover and are happy with who you are. And I think that’s probably true for everyone, regardless of addiction. If you’re comfortable with yourself, then you don’t care what other people think. But if you’re not comfortable with who you are, you care a lot about what other people think of you, and you need everyone to like you to make you feel OK, you’re never going to truly feel OK. The external environment and the validation from others is shaping you. And that’s what getting sober changes, instead of spending time and energy fixing, controlling and pleasing the external, you’re working on all that internal stuff and who you really are.
Chris: Yeah, so in those first couple of years of sobriety I was very immature. It was like I had the maturity level of the age I was when I started drinking and drugging, because I’d stunted my growth as a teenager and a young man. I was a 13 year old trapped in the body of a 25 year old. I just had no idea how to live life. So it’s all learning. I guess too you start to get your head above water and you start to care about your health. It seems like a contradiction, but through all my addiction, I still had an interest in health; somewhere deep inside my body I did have an interest in health and I wanted to live to a good age. I think that’s part of the thing that led to me getting sober – deep down I wanted a life of longevity. I kind of had that in me somewhere. I’m not sure how. It was quite an internal conflict.
Around 2009 a mate had given me a book: ‘Ultramarathon Man: Confessions of an All-Night Runner’ by Dean Karnazes . I found it so inspiring! And so here I am, running is becoming my new thing because I want to be healthy.
Then when I was in my late 30s, I call it my early middle life crisis, I was going down this path in life I thought I had to go down to ‘make it’ – until I realised, that actually, this (what I’m doing) is taking from me, taking my energy, it’s costing me more, not in money, but it’s costing me. Costing me my health, my soul and my capacity as a human, and it was just emptying me out. So I sold my business and bought a bus, and that was the start of bus life! In a way that honoured my values, all the values that I wanted to move towards – living in a way that’s not going to be super stressful, that’s going to be enjoyable!
Charlotte: That’s when I met Chris, through a mutual friend. He was doing a Miler and I was like, “what is a Miler?” I thought the longest distance was a marathon! But we hung out and started meeting up every Friday for training, doing a bunch of trail runs together. I actually ended up doing Blue Lake 24 Hour Challenge, in Rotorua before my Auckland Marathon. I did 60k’s. In my road shoes! And I guess from there, that’s when Chris and I became more than just training partners!
I ended up moving into the bus with Chris. We’d only been together six months and in that time I was in Auckland and he was mostly in Rotorua, so we were doing it long distance. I had grown up doing horse riding and I was like “Oh, I can do this because I went away on horse weekends and stayed in horse trailers. This is kind of similar.” It was all very exciting at the time, and here we are 5 plus years down the track, still doing it; living and travelling all over New Zealand in the bus, running all the coolest trails and events.
Chris: But now we’re giving ourselves a year in Wellington just to take time out and settle in one place. We’re doing a full season of being based here in the Wellington region so will have some stability, can reassess what the next adventure might be, be a part of a consistent community, nurture the CMF Running Community some more, and see what evolves.
Charlotte: And it feels like it’s always evolving. Developing that community happened so naturally, even though to begin with it didn’t always feel natural to us. But I think we’re changing too, growing and learning all the time. I think I’ve learnt more that care is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less often. And you know, the success of others doesn’t take away your own success, right? It can actually enhance it. That’s what I have found – by thinking less about myself and my own running, I actually gain a lot more energy from other people’s success stories. It’s amazing what happens when you stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about others; it’s crazy how in doing so, you can end up getting what you wanted in the first place. It’s just… it’s ironic, you know.
Plus there is some relief in helping and celebrating others too. It’s inspiring for sure, but also gives us some space to not worry about our own performance… or failure. Such is the nature of running, particularly with social media – there’s some really good things, but it’s not linear and it’s almost never the full story.
Chris: I’m coming up 18 years sober this year, in September.
Charlotte: And I’m coming up 7 years in October.
Chris: To complete our little buslife family, we had Bailey join us last year in September. We had been doing some house and pet sits, and really been enjoying looking after doggos. And by chance, our good friends where we often park up near Rotorua, offered us Bailey. They had had him since birth but were realising with his breed that he needed a LOT of attention and stimulation – Collie breeds are full on! So we’re thankful that we were in a position to bring him on the journey with us. He loves buslife and travelling around, running, meeting people and other doggos – and even ripping up parkun! We’re very grateful for him.
Chris @nz_nomadrunner
RunnersNZ Story : Chris Lucas #270
Charlotte @trailgirlcharlotte
RunnersNZ Story : Charlotte Milne #269
Visit CMF Running @cmfrunning
www.cmfrunning.nz
